For those that just could not get through that debate, here is a recap -
Question 1 - So, the economy is all screwed up and no one knows what to do. What do you do and what’s in it for me?
Obama - We shouldn’t be afraid, but LOOK OUT HERE COMES THE NEXT GREAT DEPRESSION!!! Bush, blah, blah, firing squad for CEOS, Bush, McCain, blah blah, and for you, the little people, more policies.
McCain – I have a plan that does not include anywhere the word “Bush”. Energy from here, money stays here and doesn’t buy Ahmadinejad’s wife new burkas, your money stays under your mattress, oh! And I almost forgot! Treasury Sec will buy up mortgages and renegotiate the terms to make them more favorable for you. Sound good?
Brokaw (who was an interesting shade of orange) – Who is the new SecTreas, pray tell?
McCain – anyone but you, because you are orange. Oh, I don’t know…lemme think. Warren Buffet? Nahhhh….Meg Whitman? Yeah, she would be pretty good, and since she isn’t working for ebay any longer, she probably has the time. You know about ebay, right? You have listed all your worldly belongings on there recently to pay your mortgage that the damn dems screwed up. (oh wait, that is what he was SUPPOSED to say, but didn’t).
Obama – Me? I have to pick someone? Hey! I know Warren, too! We had watercress sandwiches just the other day at the club. Oh, did you ask a question? Bush! I mean its his fault, ummmm…yeah.
Question 2 – Déjà vu, so this bailout, WTF?
McCain – Fannie and Freddie are all f’d up, thanks to Obama’s socialist demoncrat friends. Oh, and guess who is second place in receiving blood money from the idiots running Freddie and Fannie? Not me! Oh no, that would be BARACK OBAMA. What’d you do with the money, Barry? Enquiring minds want to know.
Obama – Wow. McCain is really, really dumb. I don’t know anyone named Fannie or Freddie. I wrote a letter, I tried to fix it, but it didn’t work! No one listened, I am not all that effective! Ummmm…but people staying in their houses, that is a great idea – but uhh..not how McCain said they should. Bloviate, blah blah…have to take care of really important financial stuff. REALLY important. And big. Big big financial doings. Yep.
McCain – letter? Obama, I wrote a letter saying do something dammit because the yahoos controlling this congress are running it right in the ground and your name so was not on that letter… sheesh. Americans are wonderful and really smart.
Question 3 – You guys both suck. Tell me, which one of you sucks less?
Obama – Did you just say I suck? Let me tell you who sucks around here. BUSH. Bush is the king of suck. You know why? Because he is BUSH. McCain sucks too. Why? Because he is Bush. And…um…Washington lobbyists suck too. We need more policies. I have decided that I like the Biden version of the Constitution, so I am going to spend your money on key issues, congress rules be damned! Did I mention Bush sucks? Ok.
McCain – That was interesting. You know what really sucks? Obama’s ability to spend money like we print it up down the street. Billions, he spends and when he finally gets a coherent sentence out, we learn he wants to spend billions more. On a damn projector, people, your messiah spent 3 million dollars! Do you not get that he is going to take all of your money and for what? A multimillion dollar projector that you, middle class American, could go to staples and buy for like $50? We need to focus on energy independence which will create lots and lots of jobs. And if I am President, you get to actually keep the paycheck that you earn! Now that is novel reform right there. Oh, and guess what kind of energy? We need to drill, baby, drill. We shouldn’t be giving hard earned American cash to those terrorists just so they can use it on more weapons to kill our Soldiers! That is damn crazy talk, sending our money there. You know what else? Nuclear. Yep. Nuclear. And guess what? We have the technology to do that and do it well. And there will be jobs. GO AMERICA!
Obama - grimace.
Brokaw – And how will you prioritize these issues? What first?
McCain – prioritize? This is America! We will do them all, and do them all well because we can! When you have a brain, you can use it! A foreign concept to some, I realize, but I am able to reach across the aisle and work some deals. Like McCain/Feingold, and when I worked with Kennedy. (and right at this moment, thousands of Republicans threw up – ed)
Obama – we must prioritize. Yes. We should. We can’t do things all at one time, oh no. We can’t do them all at once, either. We can go to the moon, Alice! And then get health care all shored up, and the bills won’t have tons of extras because I will just pick the parts I like!
McCain – Obama, you cannot be this stupid, can you? There is NO line item veto and you know why? YOUR PARTY WON’T LET IT HAPPEN, asshat. (Ok, McCain didn’t say this, but he really should have).
Question 4 - Brokaw – amazingly, an Internet question from someone who was alive in the REAL great depression. What or who will you sacrifice?
McCain – I’m down with sacrificing. Everything stops. Slash and burn, baby. Except the Military, because that’s down right un-American to not support them. Everything else? No mas.
Obama – Let me tell you about a little story I’ve dubbed 9-11. On that day, as you may remember, that idiot Bush, who is also John McCain in drag, said go shopping. But…umm…really we should have civilians acting like the military so that umm…peace corp radicals can give the homicidal maniacs in the Army a break, and…ummm….public service, and…energy savings, wow, that’s tough at home, and I’m going to cut spending too! Yessiree! So long as I don’t cut one of my very important hope and change initiatives.
McCain – Good lord, man, what the hell did you just say? In using my handy, dandy Obama decoder ring, I understand you to say you are going to tax those “rich” people who earn $250K and more? Don’t you get that would be lots of small business owners and if you do this, they won’t be able to employ people? I won’t do that because its just a dumb idea. I say keep your money! Employ those people! Why? Because it makes sense, such a simple concept, isn’t it? (the throwing up republicans from earlier feel better now)
Obama – Hey! He was mean so I get to break the rules!
Brokaw – shut up, barry.
Question 5 – tell the world about Social Security
Obama – obviously, McCain will screw it up. Medicare will be toast too. But let me talk about that tax thing, even though you told me to shut up. I am NOT going to tax many small business owners. The ones that will get taxed? Screw ‘em (from KOS!!).
McCain – Are you able to focus at all, Senator? Ever? Shheesh. Let me answer the question for reals. I will fix it – its not so hard. Can the ear marks, get to work like Reagan did. Since Obama brought it up, though, he is going to tax and spend like a drunken sailor!
Question 6 – How are YOU planning to save all the butterflies in this big polluted world?
McCain – See, I am not George Bush. You know why? Because he doesn’t believe in Green. He is just so not with it. I feel we must take all sorts of steps to be green. Yes, we should. And you know what is green? Nukes, and I support nukes. But I don’t like George Bush all that much, because he doesn’t care about the environment, and I am greener than any San Fran loony out there.. (Republicans throwing up again)
Obama – I like Nukes and drilling too! Maybe. Or maybe I don’t. I’m not really sure. But I agree with McCain! Or maybe I don’t, do I? Hey! Shiny thing! Oh, how about if we give some stuff to China? Would that be green? If they are dollars, its green.
Stay tuned for part 2 -